ONE ACT - IDEAL FOR A CLASS TO PERFORM BEFORE PARENTS

 Cast of Characters

Agnes – 60’s, desperate woman          

Beth – 30’s, quiet and composed

Teacher -  30’s, at the end of her rope

Nine year olds…

Dan – athletic

Millie –smart-aleck

Hank – “yes” man

Alexa – sweet

Bud – class clown

Erin – lots of facts 

Setting – Empty stage with possibly two or three bar stools spaced far enough apart so that the children may sit on the floor in between.  Present day.  Each woman may have a pocket book.

(Manuscripts in hand, AGNES and BETH are

sitting on the bar stools as TEACHER leads her

class of students into the room.  AGNES and

BETH stand.)

                        TEACHER
All right, class.   Please sit on the floor like we practiced.

            (to AGNES and BETH)

Hello.

            (Meanwhile, the children sit on the floor, possibly

            carpeted, at the feet of the authors and a bit upstage,

 face the audience.)

                        AGNES

Thank you for having us.

                        BETH

Thank you.

                        TEACHER
Oh, you’re very welcome.

            (turns to the students)

Okay, children.   We have for you today a very unique and special occasion.  Noted children’s book authors, Agnes Chicken and Beth Matthias have graciously offered to come today to read excerpts form their upcoming books.  And these books are still not finalized.   Am I right?

                        AGNES

You’re right, yes.

                        TEACHER
They are still works in progress, so our authors are very eager to hear any questions, concerns or thoughts you students might have regarding these books.

                        AGNES

Fire away.  (laughs)

                        TEACHER

Well, I hope any questions will help the creative process and make the books better.

                        ALEXA

            (raises hand)

Are there pictures?

                        TEACHER

No, not yet.  Just the text.

                        HANK

Test?!

                        TEACHER

No, text.  Text.  Just the words.  No illustrations.

                        ERIN

            (raises her hand)

Do we say which book we like better?

                        TEACHER

No, no.  Absolutely not.  What we’re looking –

                        AGNES

(Stands)

May I?

                        TEACHER
Oh yes.  Go ahead.

                        AGNES

You see, right now my book is a B-plus.  But I want my book to be an A-plus.

                        DAN
So you’re looking for the answers.

                        AGNES

Yes, exactly.  I am coming to you children for the answers.  Good analogy.

                        DAN

My name isn’t analogy.

                        TEACHER

No, she means you made a good comparison.

                         DAN

Oh.

                        AGNES

Yes, that’s exactly what I meant.

                         BETH

I’d like to know your name.

                        DAN
Oh.  It’s Daniel.

                       AGNES

(very interested)

Daniel?  Daniel, is it?  I’m sorry, Daniel.

                        TEACHER

In any case, before we begin… do any of you children have questions?

                        MILLIE

I have a question for Mrs. Chicken.

                        AGNES

You want to know if that’s my real name, don’t you?

                        MILLIE
No.  I was going to ask you if you had false teeth.

            (The KIDS laugh.  Though embarrassed, AGNES

tries to laugh along.)

                       TEACHER

(Perturbed, she claps to restore order)

Millie, that wasn’t a nice question.

                        MILLIE

Sorry.

                        AGNES

Oh, there’s no problem.  I have my own teeth.  But I do have a bridge if that answers your question.

                        BUD

Does it come out?

                        AGNES

No, it doesn’t. 

                        DAN
Do you have an abscess?

                        AGNES
My, what precocious little children.  Little cherubs.  So wonderful.

                        DAN

Do you have an –

                        AGNES
No.  No abscess. 

            (smiles broadly)

                        TEACHER

Please, children, we are here to discuss these new and exciting books.

                        ALEXA

            (raises her hand)

Are there book covers?

                        AGNES
No, it’s still early in the process to --

                        BETH

I have a cover.

                        AGNES
Oh?

(BETH takes a cardboard cover out of her bag.  All the children stand with eagerness.  A colorful “HOLLY HAS TWO NANNIES” cover emerges with a picture of a smiling little girl, two women and a man.)

                        TEACHER
That’s lovely.

                        ERIN
Is that Holly?

(points to the little girl in the picture)

                        BETH

Yes.

                        HANK
And these are the two nannies?

(points to the two women in the picture.)

                        BETH

No.  That’s the mommy.  That’s one nanny.

            (points to the man)

And that’s the other nanny.

                        AGNES

Oh?  Interesting family.

                        BETH

Yes.  Isn’t it?

                        HANK
When can you read it?

                        BETH
Well, soon.  Right?

                        TEACHER

Yes.  Are there any other questions?

(AGNES starts to raise her hand, then thinks better of it and lowers it.)

                        TEACHER
Okay then… Sit.

(The children sit.)

So here is Beth Matthias and her story, Holly has two nannies.

                        BETH
Do you want me to read the forward by Michael Moore?

                        TEACHER

Maybe later.  I think we should get right to the story.

                        BETH

            (reads)

Holly’s daddy was far away

Keeping peace in Iraq, they say.

Haliburton’ pawn on foreign soil

Holly’s daddy was securing oil.

So mom drove Holly each day to school

In an S-U-V that burned much fuel.

(AGNES giggles.  All look to her.)

                        AGNES
Charming.  Charming.  Carry on.

                        BETH
Mommy had too much to do.

Working and cleaning all the day through.

A helper for Mommy was Holly’s hope

Cause it seems that Mommy just could not cope.

She called the paper and placed an ad

To help her Mommy not be so sad.

            (ERIN raises her hand)

                        BETH
Yes?

                        ERIN

Is Holly allowed to place an ad?  Are little girls allowed to call newspapers and place ads?

                        AGNES
No, they’re not.

                         BETH

No, you’re right.  But this is just a fun story.

                        MILLIE

Can I place an ad?

                        DAN
Yeah, but you have to pay.

                        TEACHER

No, no.

(to BETH)
Maybe the mother can place the ad?  Maybe you can change it?

                        BETH

(A big smile, and silence)

Umm, I guess.  Or maybe Holly’s aunt or Grandma.  I’ll look at it.

                        AGNES

Ah, the rewriting process.  It’s almost like reinventing the wheel.

                         DAN

Reinventing the wheel?  Are you really that old?

                        AGNES

No, no.

                        TEACHER

No, what she meant --

                        HANK
Oh, reinventing, right?

                        AGNES

Yes.

                        ERIN
That’s copying.

                        TEACHER

No, it was just an expression.

                        AGNES

Yes, I meant to say that rewriting is very difficult.  It’s almost like writing the entire book a second time.     

                        BUD
So why didn’t you say that?

                        MILLIE

Are you really a writer?

                        AGNES

Yes, yes, little girl.  I’ve written over thirty children’s books, thank you very much, and… (calms herself, smiles through gritted teeth)  I am delighted that you are part of the writing process.  (under her breath)  Albeit, a very small part.  (rights herself) Now then… (to BETH)  Your Heather was making an unsupervised phone call.  Carry on.

                        BETH
Yes… (reading)     Many nannies had questions to ask.

They called at all hours and took Heather to task.

Were they required to cook, and what was the pay?

What were their hours?  And where would they stay?

Was Heather mentally challenged?   Must the nanny make beds?

Was Heather in Special Olympics?  And did she take meds?

                        ALEXA
            (raises her hand)

In the Special Olympics, do they have the three legged race?

                        AGNES
Oh, that is just grotesque.

                        TEACHER
I think Alexa means the race where two people have one of their legs tied to the other person’s.

                        AGNES
Well, if each has three legs, it would be a six legged race, wouldn’t it?  Three times two, right, Alexa?

                        ALEXA
What?

                        TEACHER

            (closes her eyes, hold out a hand as if to say stop.)

Mrs… Mrs…

                        AGNES
Chicken.

                        TEACHER
Yes.  You have never heard of a three legged race?

                        AGNES

            (smiling)

It sounds like great fun.

            (Teacher shakes her head in amazement.)

                        BETH

I’m just gonna… read on.

                        TEACHER
Yup.

                        BETH

What was she like? And was there a pet?

So Heather scanned her photo on the internet.

                        TEACHER

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.  You can’t have her posting photos on the internet. 

                        BETH
It’s fiction.

                        TEACHER

Still.  You can’t do that.  Kids will copy that behavior.

                        BETH

I can add a disclaimer.

                        TEACHER
It’s unconscionable.    And how important is that line to your story, anyway?  It doesn’t even make sense.  Was there a pet?  Who cares if there’s a pet!

                        BETH
            (hurt)

Oh.

                        TEACHER
I don’t usually interject, but this is children’s safety.

                        BETH
Right.  Well, it rhymed, so…

                        TEACHER
Right.  With internet.  So if you take that line out.  You can take two lines out.

                        BETH
Two lines out?  (flustered)  And how would I replace them?

                        TEACHER
Maybe with a picture?

                        AGNES

Or a dancing chilcken.  That’s what I do.

                        HANK
When are we gonna read your book?

                        AGNES

You want me to read mine, don’t you?

            (HANK nods.  AGNES quickly hands him a ten dollar bill.)

                        HANK
Wow.  Ten dollars.

                        AGNES

            (quietly)

There’s more than that if you play your cards right.

                        TEACHER

What is this?  (takes the bill)  A bribe?

                        AGNES

No, no, not a bribe.  Maybe… a tip?

                        TEACHER

A tip?

                        AGNES

Actually, pizza for the class.  Does everyone like pizza?

                        KIDS
Yeah!

                        TEACHER

Pizza for the class is a bit more than ten dollars.

                        AGNES

Okay,,, what about frozen pizza?  The cheapest supermarket brand they sell?  Eh?

            (Tepid cheers)

                        TEACHER

Just take the dirty money back.  (hands AGNES the bill, then TEACHER to herself…)  This is so juvenile.

                        AGNES

            (quietly to TEACHER)

She started it…(referring to BETH) …with her book jacket and her fancy pants…

                        TEACHER
Why don’t you take a time out?

            (to BETH)

Miss Mathias, we’re ready for your story.

                        BETH
            (erasing)

Just one second.

                        TEACHER
The children are getting restless.

                        BETH

            (crossing out text)

Well, it’s so disjointed now… but, here goes nothing…

There were two nannies that Heather liked best.

She sent rejection notices to all the rest.

                        ALEXA

            (to AGNES)
What’s a rejection notice?

                        AGNES

Oh, it’s a terrible terrible thing publishers do to some writers.  Not me, or JK Rowling, mind you.  But other writers that don’t get published.

                        ERIN
JK Rowling was turned down by sixteen publishers.

                        AGNES

The poor dear.  And now she’s a multi-billionaire.  I see your point.

                        BETH

Megan was clever and full of delights,

But she had another job and could only work nights.

Kevin was a chef at a restaurant, and nice as can be.

But he had to pack up his knives, and be out the door by three.

                        DAN
Oh, I get it.  So Heather has one nanny in the day, and another at night.

                        BETH
Well, don’t ruin it for everyone else.

                        ALEXA
But we know that’s what’s coming.

                        BETH
Yes, but it goes on for three more pages.

                        ERIN
But that’s all denouement, right?  I mean, once you’ve got to the climax…

                        TEACHER

Erin’s been reading some Oscar Wilde.

                        AGNES

My goodness.

                        ERIN

I still haven’t figured out why it’s so important to be called Earnest.

                        BETH

So you’re saying I should end the story here?

                        AGNES

(raising a hand)

Do we vote?

                        DAN

I wouldn’t end the story here.  I’d make a twist, like on C-S-I.

            (stands, looks over Beth’s shoulder)

                        BETH

But there is a twist already.  Remember, back in the beginning of the story.

                        DAN
No.  Another twist.  Something that makes things more complicated.

                        ALEXA

(stands next to DAN)
Like maybe one of the nannies is offered another job, and –

                        ERIN
A job that pays more.

                        ALEXA
Right.  But the nanny will stay only if… only if… only if…

                        BETH
What?

                        ALEXA
I don’t know.  But something big.

                        ERIN

(stands next to the other two.)
Only if Heather fires the other nanny?

                        BETH
Wow.

                        HANK
Because the nannies don’t like each other.

                        DAN
The chef nanny can be very critical.

                        BETH
Right.  (writes feverishly)

                        MILLIE
Always wanting things his way.  And he criticizes how the other nanny makes pancakes.  And ruins all his pans.

                        BETH
Yes, yes.  That’s good.

                        HANK

And does the father come home?

                        MILLIE

Is this a fairy tale?

                        HANK

I guess that would be no, then.

                        BUD
But Heather likes the chef nanny better.

                        DAN
She can’t like the chef nanny better.  Then she would just say no to the girl nanny.

                        ERIN
She likes them both the same.  They’re both her friends.

                        BETH
Yes!  It’s a dilemma.   Heather must choose.  This is much, much better.

                         AGNES

Okay, is it my turn?

                        TEACHER

I guess so. (to students)  Now, class, I know you will give Mrs. Chicken just as much attention as you did Miss Matthais.

                        HANK
More.

            (She slaps a dollar into his hand.)